HOUSTON, TX – As students return to class after midterm recess, a momentary pause from courses considered by Rice University’s Wellness Center as “a liability reduction practice,” many are reporting “above average” preparedness for their respective gauntlet of hellish academic interests and responsibilities.
“I feel so refreshed and ready to endure the existential heartbreak and suffering that defines the Rice experience,” commented one third-year student from Martel. “Break was a complete success!!”
“I can barely even remember the absolute abject pain associated with failing my BIOC exam last week,” commented Sid Richardson sophomore, Samantha Thomas. “I am sure I’ll be back to really feeling nothing once Thursday swings around and I can drink my worries away [at Pub]! Rice is the best!!”
For the first time since the Wellness Center began tracking post-recess attitudes in 2008, more than 15 percent of engineering and pre-med students indicated that they were “moderately excited” to return to courses in their major. Many are touting the report, more broadly, because it also found an all-time high rate (8 percent) of STEM students selecting an option more positive than “complete and utter dread” to describe their outlook as they continue work within their self-described “passion for the sciences.”
The Rice University administration, as evidenced in a press release early this morning, is considering this an unbridled victory. “We’re always excited to hear that students are returning refreshed and enthusiastic for courses,” commented the Dean of Undergraduates, Dr. John Hutchinson. “It is this deep suppression of recent hardship and struggle that demonstrates the fortitude of Rice students.”
Efforts by the Rice University administration to, as Dean Hutchinson has previously noted, “lull the student body into mindless subservience” have mounted in recent months as the administration continues to run head first into controversy, most recently in their response to the MOB’s performance at the Rice-Baylor game. All signs seem to indicate that Rice is becoming increasingly reliant on what this report calls “a complete and utter lack of collective memory on behalf of the student body.”
Only time will tell if this study’s results will have adverse consequences on Rice’s new networking site, Sallyportal.org, which has been successfully advertised as an “exciting mixture of MySpace, LinkedIn, and Microsoft Excel.”