Houston, TX — Rice University Police Department Chief Johnny Whitehead was pleased to announce that, following the department’s undercover tracking of the Rice’s illicit boba market for the last semester, multiple students from seven student-run organizations had been taken into custody and will be facing criminal charges for their participation in the black market buying and selling of bubble tea in the middle of the RMC.
“Clearly, this is a massive breakthrough in our ongoing efforts against the dangerous circulation of boba that has plagued our campus for months now,” Whitehead said. “A lot of good cops put their lives on the line for this one.”
Among the arrested individuals were three ASB site-leaders, the head of the Vietnamese Student Association and three Hoot employees. The difficulty of the operation, according to Whitehead, was a consequence of their target’s high profile and the swarms of lower level participants who had sworn their lives to protect their bosses.
“Usually the top guys have lower level guys selling the boba,” he said. “We had two cops go deep undercover to try to figure out who was orchestrating everything. We didn’t get our kingpin, but this bust is huge nonetheless.”
The kingpin, who goes by the pseudonym “Teahouse” according to anonymous sources within RUPD, has seen his product increase in popularity over the last few years with multiple organizations committed to moving a high volume of the product on a daily basis.
“The bastard has the balls to put his name on every single cup of boba that he sells,” said Robert Teller, one of the undercover RUPD officers. “It took me a long time to even get to the guys in charge of the clubs selling. I never even got close to Teahouse. He’s a real-life Heisenberg.”
Despite the arrests, RUPD has seen no drop in overall Boba sales, which, according to sources, are driven less by supply and more by overall student demand for the watery and overpriced drink. Students, on the other hand, were undeterred by RUPD’s actions.
“I don’t care if it’s stupid bandwagon bullshit,” an anonymous junior Boba drinker said. “Boba’s a quick high. I’m no addict, but doesn’t RUPD have other drugs to worry about? Did you read that Thresher article last semester? Jesus.”