“Look, these new students have to have a role model and it has to be me,” he commented. “I have spent the last few weeks practicing one thing and one thing only: bullshitting about how my life goals are coherent and obtainable.”
For months now Mathews’ has talked about how excited he is to have his own “cute adorable little family” and, as such, knows full well that raising his O-week ”babies” requires one to bullshit about their entire life at an instant’s notice – from how they never procrastinate to how cool they are.
“I even started drinking whiskey to impress them” he added.
Close friends of Matthews appear concerned that he will be unable to feign the semblance of order and direction usually required by advisorship. However, his co-advisors disagree.
“Come on! No one really has it all under control,” commented Senior Steffanie Russo, one of Matthews’ co-advisors. “It is all about putting on one big show to indoctrinate the students as quickly as possible.”
These reports come on the tail end of advisor training, the week long orgy meant to drain advisors of the inclination to violate the sacred Pumpkin Grade statute, which has undoubtedly contributed to Mathew’s heightened capacity to erect the facade of adulthood.