“We couldn’t have foreseen anything like this when we brought the monkey stateside,” Lovett senior Maurice Harari said. “We just thought it was going to be for entertainment. The chains were supposed to be unbreakable.”
According to reports, the beast was angered by people pointing and laughing, broke free of the chains binding him to the Lovett quad, and began its climb to the top of Sid Richardson late Wednesday night.
Y. Ping Sun, President Leebron’s Wife and University Representative, was the unfortunate victim of the inflatable gorilla, whose inflatable hands scooped her up, trapping her as the gorilla made its ascent.
“I will not rest until that thing is fucking dead,” commented President Leebron early Thursday. “I told the fighter planes to open fire; we can pay for the damage with tuition hikes. Price is no object.”
At press time, the fighter planes had successfully shot down the gorilla, who fell gracefully to the earth, deflated. It goes without saying, however, that the Beer Bike glee emanating from Will Rice and Baker has only increased.
“Fuck that thing,” commented one Will Rice sophomore.