HOUSTON, TX – In a bold move, a confederacy of Southern colleges has decided to split with the greater Rice University, claiming that new policies under President Leebron have “provided little choice in the matter.”
Following college elections and subsequent constitutional amendments, six colleges have declared that “it is time to act against the unjust and illegal regime of President Leebron. The time to utilize our time-hallowed right of secession is now!”
Rice University’s college system, a collection of dorms that house most of the University’s 4,000 undergraduates and have voting membership in some campus affairs, has come under fire in recent months for failing to resist many of the increasingly controversial campus-wide policies.
College governments from Weiss, Hanszen, Sid Richardson, Will Rice, Baker, and Lovett have all shown their opposition to new university policies, primarily the steady increase in tuition with the steady decline in alcohol policy leniency. Southern colleges have concluded that this made “membership in this union simply not worth it.”
“What’s the point in paying 60k a year if I can’t drink vodka in the quad?” commented one Lovetteer. “This is tuition without libation!!”
“We are in an untenable situation,” reads Sid Richardson’s Declaration of Secession. “Continuous and flagrant paternalism on behalf of Supreme Leader Leebron has stripped us of our rights. The College system, as an insular and exclusive system of cliques, has lost all meaning if we have to abide by college-wide policies and open ourselves up to scrutiny, especially if it is coming from the Yankees of the North.”
“Honestly, we’re just upset that everyone always spells our name wrong,” commented a high ranking official in Weiss College’s government. “Realistically this was the only choice we had.”
The Administration has yet to comment officially, though recent troop movements by RUPD have indicated that the Administration is preparing for some kind of conflict. A consortium of professors from the History department have indicated that this mobilization is endemic of an impending war.
“This type of movement has been seen in many African countries in the last few decades and is referred to as a ‘Civil War,’” commented one professor. “However, I’ve never heard of one happening on this continent, so this may be a national first. This really is uncharted and unconventional territory.”
Campaign analysts do not expect this change to radically alter the tone of the upcoming Student Association elections, though they do expect there to be a rhetorical shift away from the vacuous claims about the “college experience” to the equally meaningless claims about “college solidarity.”