After a $2,000 tuition hike from the 2013-2014 school year, Rice University is scrambling to cover the costs of its most recent building projects, among which are the Glasscock School of Continuing Studies, new tennis courts and an opera building.
In a controversial decision, the administration has decided to eliminate all campus transportation to cut expenses to subsidize its building expenses.
The Dean of Undergraduates, Dr. John Hutchinson, has addressed the situation with an unconventional solution: carrying students to class on his back. Dean Hutch, in a campus wide email late last night, had this to say:
“I am certain that this plan will promote the community of care and increase class attendance. Students will call me with their respective cell phones, and I will drop everything to make it to them in record time. I will do what is necessary, even if it means I will putting down the roll of toilet paper or putting my class on pause, to sprint to their rooms and piggy-back them to anywhere on campus. In a sense, this is a much more flexible and targeted, let alone cost efficient, mode of transportation. Out with the old, in with the new.”
When asked why he was doing this specific plan he simply responded, “The doctor instructed me to do cardio 3 times a week.”
Despite the creativity and resolve that are the cornerstones of Dean Hutch’s solution, students are still incredulous that their beloved chemistry teacher is going use his own body to transport students across campus.
In response to these concerns about his ability to carry thousands of students all across campus each and every day, the Dean seemed prepared for the worst: “I love the student body and if I cant carry each and every student body, well, then I have failed.”
100% of the 95% of students on campus who watch Game of Thrones pointed out the eerie resemblance Dean Hutch has to everyone’s favorite giant, Hodor, and how the plan seems to be leading to a manifestation of the dean’s transformation into an alternate persona.
The Dean’s cell phone number is 443-424-HUTCH (8824)* and is ready to accept calls.
*Author note: This number is real and is actually accepting calls (it was created as a part of this new initiative). If no one picks up, leave an anonymous message or send a text!