According to the new schedule released by the Divine Secretary Gabriel, God will be attending this year’s Family Weekend.
“I am incredibly excited to see how my boy is doing!” God said. “I only hear rave reviews about Him. It’s as if He could walk on water or something!!”
After taking a tour around campus, where God is expected to humblebrag about all the natural beauty He helped create, God plans on stopping by Hillel and a few of His son’s carpentry classes.
“He’s a saint,” commented Dr. Timothy Hayworth, one of His architecture professors. “His work is simply divine.”
The Administration expects the famous guest to draw large crowds and provide a necessary increase in student self-fulfilment just in time for midterms. To capitalize on God’s presence, RPC has also planned several extra events, including multiple baptismal dunk tanks and a B.Y.O.B (Bring Your Own Bible) book signing.
Many of His son’s friends are excited to meet God, who is “probably equally as awesome.”
“He is totally the life of the party!” continued Mary Magdalene, ‘17 Jones. “Turning water to Franzia is not only awesome but also frugal! You can’t be this cool without an awesome dad.”
Yet, not all students are happy being classmates with Him and, consequently, not excited for the arrival of the Heavenly Father.
“I don’t like that He is gaining such a huge following around campus,” added Judas Iscariot, ‘16 Will Rice. “People are starting to emulate Him, it’s almost creepy. But we’re still tight.”
“I think He only got into Rice because of his family connections,” continued Lucifer, Wiess ‘17. “He also lacks school spirit; based on the outcome, He obviously didn’t go to our game against A&M. He was probably rooting for Notre Dame earlier this year too.”
Either way, many think of Him fondly. As one student explained, “He’s a fucking legend.”
“We are going to be talking about Him for centuries!”
Written with a lot of help from Evan Neustater, Michael Saucedo, Kenton Whitmire, Ryan Sun, and the infamous “The 4B girlz”: Olivia Lammers, Isabel Deakins, and Rachel Marren.